Wednesday, March 14, 2007
I Will Help You Become a Professional Gambler Like Me
Last week a dude at work asked if I'd be interested in participating in the March Madness Bracket Spectacular he was organizing. I was skeptical at first, but once he said that money would be involved I practically choked on my tongue in my rush to tell him that hell yeah I wanted in on this action, bitch.

I've mentioned before that I'm convinced professional gambling is my calling in life, and this NCAA nonsense is right up my alley: no skill or knowledge required. It was like a gift sent from heaven, all wrapped up in angel kisses, unicorn love, and $10's and $20's.

Earlier this evening I gathered all the necessary materials (paper, pen, cocktail) and examined the matchups. The universe was sending me any number of signs regarding whom to select, and because I am full of love for you people I will share some of my knowledge so that you too can be a master prognosticator. You will probably want to take notes.

- Belmont University: Belmont is my alma mater, so one might think this would be a no-brainer. Well, it would be if they were playing Miss Clara's School for the Blind, but since they're facing Georgetown that changes the complexion a bit. We all know that I'm pretty stupid, but I'm not that stupid, so obviously the smart money is on Georgetown. I predict this will be an extremely close game, however. Until tipoff, and then all bets are off.

- Kansas: My dad is from Kansas City, so this would appear to be another sign. But when I think of Kansas all that comes to mind is a bunch of pasty white crackers with spindly little legs throwing basketballs granny-style at the hoop, so they are out of contention.

- Wisconsin: This is the native land of Mother Sparkles, but for our purposes today it's like Kansas except more white and spindly. With cheese.

- UCLA: I was born at UCLA hospital, so how could this not be an obvious selection? Here's how: Until those bastards erect a monument designating that hospital a National Treasure as my birth site they'll get no love from me. You're hearing it here first: they won't make it past round one. Also, they can go blow themselves.

- Duke: Ever since my pretend boyfriend Christian Laettner left, they're dead to me. Count them out.

- Winthrop: That sounds like the name of some dick who would wear an ascot. No way.

- Oral Roberts University: The name says it all. It's a shame for the players, because they've worked hard for this. But that's the risk you run when you attend a college founded by a giant assmonkey. I'm pretty sure God is sick of Oral's "If I don't get four million dollars by Tuesday I'm gonna die!" bullshit. We all know that The Almighty spends the majority of his time dictating the outcomes of various athletic contests, so this does not bode well. Expect them to exit early.

- Gonzaga: Now this one I like. I don't know what a Gonzaga is, but it sounds like a variety of Himalayan mountain goat, and you can't go wrong there. Mountain goats are pretty awesome. They will go far.

So, there you go. The next time I write I'll be buried in the mountain of cash I'm going to win, but don't be hating on me. I have a gift from above.



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