As we say farewell to one year and look forward to another, it's time for my first annual list of People Who Can Bite Me.
In no particular order, following are the asses who I hope fall off the face of the earth in the next year:
Jessica Simpson - I don't know how this fool has parlayed being stupid into a marketable skill worth millions, but she needs to go the hell away. I suppose I shouldn't fault her for sacrificing her dignity for some dinero; after all, it's her dignity to sell. But her very appearance on my television screen makes me dumber, and I don't have any IQ points to spare.
That Dude Driving The Hummer Who Pulled Out In Front Of Me The Other Day - You'd been sitting there for a good ten seconds, and you saw that I was the only freaking car on the road. So why did you wait until I got 100 feet from you to pull out into the street? There were no cars in front of me or behind me. You obviously weren't in that big of a hurry since you only did 30 goddamn miles an hour. After I slammed on my brakes to avoid being decapitated by the rear bumper of that ridiculous behemoth vehicle I just passed you anyway, so it's not like you got there so much faster than you would have if you'd just waited five seconds in the first place. You're a dick. And also, everybody knows that the only reason you drive that monstrosity is because you have a tiny wang.
David Spade - There was a time when he was rather amusing, but there was a time that I ate cold pork and beans out of a can and considered it a nutritious meal. I've moved on, and the world will be a better place when he does, too.
That OxyClean Guy - Quit shouting at me, dude. You're going to give me a seizure.
Britney Spears - See Jessica Simpson, only without underwear.
Anyone Who Names Their Son "Colt" - These are the same people who insist on using the term "Freedom Fries."
Fred Durst - Fortunately he appears to be well on his way out already, but I still see his fat dumb face too often for my liking. There's just something about him I find tremendously objectionable, but I can't put my finger on it. Which is probably good, because I wouldn't touch him with someone else's hand.
Sparkles Plenty's anonymous loser commenters - I've never understood the compulsion some people have to leave "Your blog is stupid and so are you" comments. Heh. Ya think? Stay tuned, because I haven't even scratched the surface of stupid. But if you've got nothing better to do with your time than tell a perfect stranger that they're dumb because of some nonsense they wrote that you didn't have to read in the first place then I'm not the only loser in town.
That concludes this year's list. I could go on and on, because I can sit on my fat ass and pass judgement on people I've never met like it's my job. Unfortunately that job doesn't pay well, so I have to get some sleep so tomorrow I can perform the job that does.
I hope everyone I approve of has a happy, healthy, and prosperous 2007. All the rest can just suck my left nut.
Happy New Year, bitches!
In no particular order, following are the asses who I hope fall off the face of the earth in the next year:
Jessica Simpson - I don't know how this fool has parlayed being stupid into a marketable skill worth millions, but she needs to go the hell away. I suppose I shouldn't fault her for sacrificing her dignity for some dinero; after all, it's her dignity to sell. But her very appearance on my television screen makes me dumber, and I don't have any IQ points to spare.
That Dude Driving The Hummer Who Pulled Out In Front Of Me The Other Day - You'd been sitting there for a good ten seconds, and you saw that I was the only freaking car on the road. So why did you wait until I got 100 feet from you to pull out into the street? There were no cars in front of me or behind me. You obviously weren't in that big of a hurry since you only did 30 goddamn miles an hour. After I slammed on my brakes to avoid being decapitated by the rear bumper of that ridiculous behemoth vehicle I just passed you anyway, so it's not like you got there so much faster than you would have if you'd just waited five seconds in the first place. You're a dick. And also, everybody knows that the only reason you drive that monstrosity is because you have a tiny wang.
David Spade - There was a time when he was rather amusing, but there was a time that I ate cold pork and beans out of a can and considered it a nutritious meal. I've moved on, and the world will be a better place when he does, too.
That OxyClean Guy - Quit shouting at me, dude. You're going to give me a seizure.
Britney Spears - See Jessica Simpson, only without underwear.
Anyone Who Names Their Son "Colt" - These are the same people who insist on using the term "Freedom Fries."
Fred Durst - Fortunately he appears to be well on his way out already, but I still see his fat dumb face too often for my liking. There's just something about him I find tremendously objectionable, but I can't put my finger on it. Which is probably good, because I wouldn't touch him with someone else's hand.
Sparkles Plenty's anonymous loser commenters - I've never understood the compulsion some people have to leave "Your blog is stupid and so are you" comments. Heh. Ya think? Stay tuned, because I haven't even scratched the surface of stupid. But if you've got nothing better to do with your time than tell a perfect stranger that they're dumb because of some nonsense they wrote that you didn't have to read in the first place then I'm not the only loser in town.
That concludes this year's list. I could go on and on, because I can sit on my fat ass and pass judgement on people I've never met like it's my job. Unfortunately that job doesn't pay well, so I have to get some sleep so tomorrow I can perform the job that does.
I hope everyone I approve of has a happy, healthy, and prosperous 2007. All the rest can just suck my left nut.
Happy New Year, bitches!
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