Following is a transcript of a conversation between me and a dear old college friend, E. E is now the very proud mother of two exceedingly rambunctious toddlers.
Sparkles Phone: [One ringy dingy... two ringy dingy]
Me: Hello?
E: What are you doing, you dumb slut?
Me: You are such a stupid whore. What the hell do you want?
E: Eh, nothing really. I just wanted to see how y'all were doing.
Me: Oh, we're fine. Hey, how was your nephew's wedding last weekend? Where was it... Missouri?
E: Yeah. It was nice to get away, and the wedding was really nice. But I missed my babies. It was cool to get drunk and pass out, though.
Me: You mean you don't do that when you're home? I know I do when I'm watching your kids.
E: Shut up. You don't ever watch my kids.
Me: True, but if I ever did, that's what I do. It's never too early to start teaching them that no one likes fools who can't hold their liquor.
E: I knew I should have made you their godmother. Anyway, I think Aunt C and Uncle B had their hands full when they stayed with the kids this weekend.
Me: [mumbling] Oh hell yeah they did.
E: What?
Me: Huh? I didn't say anything. Are you drunk?
E: Don't be talking smack about my chirren! So anyway, when we got home from Missouri I took one look at Aunt C and Uncle B and told them they looked like hell. They just stared at me and said they had to get home. I've never seen them leave the house so fast.
Me: [assorted grunting]
E: So, when are YOU going to come and watch my kids? I'm ready for another vacation, lady.
Me: I believe the 12th is open.
E: The 12th?
Me: Yeah, the 12th... of NEVER!!! HAHAHAHA!!!!!
E: You are such a dumb slut.
Me: I know!
E: But the babies love their Aunt Steena!
Me: Yeah, they love to spazz out and watch Aunt Steena have a psychotic break. Anyway, you know that whole maternal gene skipped me. I just can't hang with the toddler crowd.
E: You'd have fun!
Me: Doll, you know that if you left me with your children you'd come home and they'd be sitting in a room full of empty cans of cake frosting with Pixy Stix stuck up their noses, covered in Krylon from when I'd tried to get them to sleep by teaching them how to huff paint. And there would probably be porn on the tv.
E: Uh huh. Well, sure.
Me: And I'd be passed out naked on the sofa with a some empty bottles of MadDog laying by my head.
E: Well, naturally. How in the hell do you think I make it through every day?
Sparkles Phone: [One ringy dingy... two ringy dingy]
Me: Hello?
E: What are you doing, you dumb slut?
Me: You are such a stupid whore. What the hell do you want?
E: Eh, nothing really. I just wanted to see how y'all were doing.
Me: Oh, we're fine. Hey, how was your nephew's wedding last weekend? Where was it... Missouri?
E: Yeah. It was nice to get away, and the wedding was really nice. But I missed my babies. It was cool to get drunk and pass out, though.
Me: You mean you don't do that when you're home? I know I do when I'm watching your kids.
E: Shut up. You don't ever watch my kids.
Me: True, but if I ever did, that's what I do. It's never too early to start teaching them that no one likes fools who can't hold their liquor.
E: I knew I should have made you their godmother. Anyway, I think Aunt C and Uncle B had their hands full when they stayed with the kids this weekend.
Me: [mumbling] Oh hell yeah they did.
E: What?
Me: Huh? I didn't say anything. Are you drunk?
E: Don't be talking smack about my chirren! So anyway, when we got home from Missouri I took one look at Aunt C and Uncle B and told them they looked like hell. They just stared at me and said they had to get home. I've never seen them leave the house so fast.
Me: [assorted grunting]
E: So, when are YOU going to come and watch my kids? I'm ready for another vacation, lady.
Me: I believe the 12th is open.
E: The 12th?
Me: Yeah, the 12th... of NEVER!!! HAHAHAHA!!!!!
E: You are such a dumb slut.
Me: I know!
E: But the babies love their Aunt Steena!
Me: Yeah, they love to spazz out and watch Aunt Steena have a psychotic break. Anyway, you know that whole maternal gene skipped me. I just can't hang with the toddler crowd.
E: You'd have fun!
Me: Doll, you know that if you left me with your children you'd come home and they'd be sitting in a room full of empty cans of cake frosting with Pixy Stix stuck up their noses, covered in Krylon from when I'd tried to get them to sleep by teaching them how to huff paint. And there would probably be porn on the tv.
E: Uh huh. Well, sure.
Me: And I'd be passed out naked on the sofa with a some empty bottles of MadDog laying by my head.
E: Well, naturally. How in the hell do you think I make it through every day?
1 Comments:
I want to be just like her when I grow up.
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