My Senator Can Suck It

Several weeks ago I took some time to write an email to my illustrious senator, Mr. Dr. Bill Frist Esq MD Jr III or whatever the hell the dude's name is, urging him to drop the whole Marriage Amendment nonsense. It certainly isn't that I'm opposed to this sweeping leglisation, because as every good American is aware, allowing two people of the same sex to get hitched spells certain doom for the institution of marriage. I, for one, am keenly aware that the validity and sanctity of my own marriage is totally contingent upon whether or not two dudes in Nebraska legally commit to an exclusive relationship. But because there are other areas where Fristy could lend his legendary powers of cognition, I thought perhaps it might be appropriate to put this legislation on the back burner. Certainly there was an ill person armed with a video recorder who was anxiously awaiting a long-distance diagnosis.

I spent quite a bit of time crafting a compelling argument, outlining exactly why this whole Marriage Amendment folderol was a complete waste of legislative time, even though we all know that the very instant gays are allowed to say "I Do," America as we know it will degenerate into a nation of pig-fucking miscreants. Studies have shown that it's only a matter of time before previously upstanding American citizens start marrying livestock and raping goats. You cannot argue with science, people! Unless you're talking about evolution, in which case be my guest.

But anyway, I suggested, very calmly and without profanity (which was quite a feat for me, to be sure), that maybe there were bigger governmental fish to fry. I may have used the words "disastrous war in Iraq," "exploding deficit," "sad state of education," or "I beg you not to embarrass our state any more than you already have," but my memory is fuzzy. I was trying to dull the pain of the prospect of homosexual marriage and the pursuant demise of my own marital union with alcohol. Don't judge me! But the bottom line is that I was quite vehement about the ridiculous nature of a constitutional amendment defining marriage (because if we can't count on the government to tell two consenting adults who they can marry, who CAN we count on, people?!?) and I scooted it off to my very spiffy senator who has a lot of names.

Imagine my excitement the other day when I saw a letter addressed to me from Mr. Dr. Frist Esq Jr. III! I tore into the envelope, waiting to hear that he had heard my cries and was going to stop his relentless efforts to convince the rest of the nation that to Tennesseans, Hee Haw wasn't just a tv show, it's a way of life! Instead, the document proudly proclaimed Mr. Dr. Frist's intention to continue fighting for the Marriage Amendment.

Sigh.

I know that senators are busy, what with collecting all those bribes and all, but couldn't someone have taken the time to put my letter in the dirty pinko pile and just sent me something saying thanks for writing? If somebody is going to take the time to send me correspondence, can't they at least send something semi-appropriate, instead of vowing to continue doing precisely what I've asked them not to?

I'd like to kick Frist in the groin, but he's still my senator. He's supposed to represent me. I know that what I received was just some form letter sent by an overworked intern, but couldn't somebody at least pretend to care what I thought? Here was this letter trumpeting his intention to keep fighting to keep those dirty homos from marrying when I'd taken the time and used every persuasive trick I knew to urge him to drop this ridiculous issue. I was insulted. I didn't expect to change anyone's mind, but I did expect to have my opinion duly noted. What I got was the equivalent of a senatorial flipping of the bird. Thanks a lot, ass.

So yeah, it's official: Mr. Dr. Frist is a dick.