Some Stupid Bug Bit Me on the Ass

So I'm sitting outside tonight, admiring the evening sky, enjoying a scrumptious adult beverage and generally minding my own business when I'm subjected to an aerial assault by some America-hating evildoer. Oh, alright. A lightning bug flew into my face, but it was terrifying nonetheless. Worse still, it caught me mid-drink, caused me to semi-choke when my delicious cocktail went down the wrong way, and resulted in a body-racking coughing fit. In the midst of said fit I thrashed about in my chair while my body tried to prevent death by vodka-choking. Unfortunately, this caused close contact of my body with the all areas of the chair, so about this time some wretched bastard of an insect decided to take a bite out of my ass. I jumped out of the chair, tripped over a stray flower pot, knocked over a tiki torch, and finally managed to keep from falling over the side of the deck by desperately clutching railing, but in this process I managed to knock my tasty beverage off the deck, spilling it in places where only squirrels could enjoy. Dejected, I stood among the deck wreckage, observed the carnage surrounding me, and put my hand down the back of my shorts to locate to source of this heartache and misery. I found nothing. The bastard had escaped!

I have since located my trusty can of Raid and am about to venture back outside to annihilate this bug with extreme prejudice. Since it was probably an ant I imagine I have a long night of scouring ahead of me. But somewhere out there is a pismire with a gobfull of my nether regions, and it will be found. And then it will pay.

All I know is that if I had my own personal bat colony I wouldn't have to deal with this nonsense.