As I've mentioned before, I name most all my possessions. There is no rational explanation for this other than the fact that I'm not very smart and am easily entertained.
Suzanne, my crappy twelve year old vehicular companion, recently began breathing her death rattle and I was forced to find a replacement. After some shopping around I ended up with a sassy little piece of Swedish machinery. The car is fab (and since I know you're dying to know -- yes you are, so don't front! -- this is what I got) but naming it has been quite a challenge. The more reasonable among you are probably thinking that I should forego the naming ritual and just drive the damn thing and shut up about it. Unfortunately, for a moron like me, that is simply not an option.
After taking the appearance and characteristics of the new SparklesMobile into consideration, I managed to decide on a name. The new car is attractive enough, socially acceptable but ultimately unremarkable, and fast as hell. (The whole turbo shit is pretty sweet. If I open that bitch up and drive it "as it was meant to be driven" I feel like I'm sitting on a rocket. But since, according to my husband, I drive like a loser grandma much of that performance is lost on me.) Based on that criteria, I selected the name that, to me, denoted pleasant and polite, but ultimately slutty: Donna. (I'm not calling all Donnas superficial sluts, just the ones that I knew. Don't email me, Donnas! But if you're a Donna that I knew growing up, yes I just called you a superficial slut so just deal with it because you know it's the truth.)
Unfortunately "Donna" got shot down by The Mister, who insisted the car was far too European for such an American name. He's never voiced any objections to my possession names in the past, but he was vehement about this one. Eventually I relented and began the search for a new name. Since my car is Swedish I looked at traditional Scandinavian names, but none of them resonated with me. Pops Sparkles pointed out that my own name is cited as being of Swedish origin, but 1) I wouldn't name my car after me, no matter how awesome I am -- which, let's be honest, is pretty damn awesome -- and B) I've always heard Kristina was a Greek name. If those two countries were close to each other I could chalk it up to geographical overlap, but Greece and Sweden are damn far apart. One is all about beaches, olive oil, and sheep and the other is about skijumping and pickled herring. Not many similarities. So you know what that means? One of those countries is a thieving bastard and is trying to bogart my name!
Anyway, after a couple days of very careful deliberation, I decided on a new name for the car: Heidi. Not necessarily Swedish, but it's European for craps sake and that's going to have to do. Besides, every Heidi I've ever known has been a slut, and that's good enough for me.
Suzanne, my crappy twelve year old vehicular companion, recently began breathing her death rattle and I was forced to find a replacement. After some shopping around I ended up with a sassy little piece of Swedish machinery. The car is fab (and since I know you're dying to know -- yes you are, so don't front! -- this is what I got) but naming it has been quite a challenge. The more reasonable among you are probably thinking that I should forego the naming ritual and just drive the damn thing and shut up about it. Unfortunately, for a moron like me, that is simply not an option.
After taking the appearance and characteristics of the new SparklesMobile into consideration, I managed to decide on a name. The new car is attractive enough, socially acceptable but ultimately unremarkable, and fast as hell. (The whole turbo shit is pretty sweet. If I open that bitch up and drive it "as it was meant to be driven" I feel like I'm sitting on a rocket. But since, according to my husband, I drive like a loser grandma much of that performance is lost on me.) Based on that criteria, I selected the name that, to me, denoted pleasant and polite, but ultimately slutty: Donna. (I'm not calling all Donnas superficial sluts, just the ones that I knew. Don't email me, Donnas! But if you're a Donna that I knew growing up, yes I just called you a superficial slut so just deal with it because you know it's the truth.)
Unfortunately "Donna" got shot down by The Mister, who insisted the car was far too European for such an American name. He's never voiced any objections to my possession names in the past, but he was vehement about this one. Eventually I relented and began the search for a new name. Since my car is Swedish I looked at traditional Scandinavian names, but none of them resonated with me. Pops Sparkles pointed out that my own name is cited as being of Swedish origin, but 1) I wouldn't name my car after me, no matter how awesome I am -- which, let's be honest, is pretty damn awesome -- and B) I've always heard Kristina was a Greek name. If those two countries were close to each other I could chalk it up to geographical overlap, but Greece and Sweden are damn far apart. One is all about beaches, olive oil, and sheep and the other is about skijumping and pickled herring. Not many similarities. So you know what that means? One of those countries is a thieving bastard and is trying to bogart my name!
Anyway, after a couple days of very careful deliberation, I decided on a new name for the car: Heidi. Not necessarily Swedish, but it's European for craps sake and that's going to have to do. Besides, every Heidi I've ever known has been a slut, and that's good enough for me.
4 Comments:
I was totally going to say Heidi before I even saw what you picked- What can I say _I'm a "Project Runway" fan !!! Hot car !!!
Heidi? WTF man. Makes me think of a blonde version of Wendy the burger girl but with a german accent. The name is also an insult to your car's heritage. Tova. Now there's a name. Danish for princess. Nevermind it's also Ernest Borgnine's wife's name.
Anon:
Oh! I completely forgot about Heidi Klum. I'm very glad you brought that to my attention because I would like to take this opportunity to say that I am not insinuating that Ms Klum is a dumb slut. So Seal, if you're reading this -- and I know you are, because come on, you know you totally read this website daily -- please don't beat my ass in a darkened parking lot for calling your very pretty wife a whore.
Oh Tyge... Tova? That's what you'd name a '74 Buick. A "Tova" is one of those angry Viking women with the sword and horn helmet. Also, there is probably a mustache in there somewhere. My vehicle is quite sprightly and rather cute. She has neither battle armor nor facial hair.
That is why you leave vehicular nomenclature to the pros like me. When you need an appropriate car name, you just give me a holler. I won't steer you wrong. (Ha! You see what I just did there?) Yeah, you can thank me later.
Geppetto, my Saturn SL200 (built on an Opel chassis), was greatly offended by your rebuttal.
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