I'm Menacing a Whole New Community Now

Hola, my bitches.

The Sparkles family has managed to drag its sorry ass across town and is now settling in to the new house. As I'm sure you can imagine, this weekend totally blew ass. I'm still sitting here surrounded by boxes wondering how in the hell a few minor kitchen appliances and a couple pillows managed to occupy approximately forty eight cardboard boxes, but whatever. The house is fab, the neighbors kick ass, and I know we'll be very happy here.

Because I know you're dying to know (and you are, so shut up), the cats are doing alright. I've always known that Maggie and Gloria -- despite being members of the same species -- are completely different animals, but this move has emphasized the point even more. Maggie is as dumb as a box of hair, but she's totally fearless. Once we got here and I let her out of the carrier she tore ass around the house, jumping up on any surface she could find, crawling into any space where she could fit, and exploring any crevice that managed to attract the attention of her little peanut brain. Gloria, a very deliberate, thoughtful cat, ran and hid under the bed for the day. She's still quite skittish about the whole situation and freaks the fuck out whenever we open the refrigerator, but since Maggie lunges headfirst into the crisper to see what the hell kind of shenanigans the lettuce and broccoli have been up to since her last inspection it's a pretty good balance.

So, we're here. We're unpacking, the cats are adjusting, and the unsuspecting area residents have no idea that some big ass fools have just infiltrated their neighborhood. God help them.

We've Got Way Too Much Crap

Hola! It's been a long time since I've rapped at ya, has it not? Oh alright, I'm done channeling Jim Anchower. But I would like to say that, if Jim Anchower existed, I'd totally ride around with him in his Ford Festiva listening to REO Speedwagon. That band can suck my butt, but there's a time and place for everything and there's nothing quite like cruising around drinking some suds and listening to some really bad redneck music. On second thought I might have given too much away, so let's pretend I didn't say that, shall we?

So, anyway. I'm pleased to announce that The Mister and I finally found a house we liked. It only took us about two years, so apparently we're a lot pickier than I originally thought. But we closed on the house earlier this week and are now in full-on relocation mode. The move date is T-minus six days and counting, and about seven days from now the price of vodka stock ought to go through the roof.

The hardest part of the whole moving nonsense is finding a way to dispose of the tremendous amount of crap we've amassed in the past few years. Some people have suggested a yard sale, but if you think I'm going to spend an entire weekend afternoon sitting in my yard haggling with fools over the price of some old flowerpots you've lost your mind. The other obvious alternative is to donate it to charity, but I'm embarrassed to say that a lot of the stuff we've thrown out was in such poor shape that it wasn't worthy of giving to the homeless. At one point I threw out a pair of my husband's shoes, and when he saw me put them in the Hefty bag he gasped and stuttered about how they were $800 Italian leather shoes that he bought in Florence or Rome or wherever the hell, and how could I even think about getting rid of them? Only after I held them up and focused his attention on the fact that the goddamn soles had fallen off did he begrudgingly acknowledge it was time to let them go.

So the next several days will be devoted to trying to unload a bunch of worthless crap on unsuspecting people and then cramming what's left into boxes and trash bags so that we can drive it across town, unload it, and stuff it into closets where it will not see the light of day for another six years. It's going to be a long ass week. Thank Christ my good buddy vodka will be at the end of it.

Oh, and if any of you guys out there are interested in some cheap aluminum and gray fabric office chairs from 1978? Have I got a deal for you!