Sparkles phone: One ringy dingy
Me: Hello?
E: Oh doll. I have some horrible news.
Me: Oh sweet Jesus. What is it?
E: They're closing our Days Inn! It's going to be demolished and they're going to build a Whole Foods or something. I'm just sick.
Me: Uh... hmmmm.
E: Didn't you hear me? Don't you remember all the beautiful moments we've shared there?
Me: Well yeah, I guess. It is a pretty crappy hotel though. It always had that disinfectanty stale smell. Kind of like what your high school locker room smelled like after the janitor got done cleaning it. Like, I know you're trying and all, but there's only so much Pine Sol can do. You can't polish a turd and when the raw materials are so... OH MY GOD WHAT ABOUT JERRY GREEN AND FRIENDS!?!?!?!?!
E: Uh yeah... hello!
Me: If the Days Inn goes away that means there will be no Days Inn lounge. Where will Jerry Green and Friends spread their unique brand of musical magic?
E: I don't know! There aren't many places in Louisville that can accommodate that level of beauty. I can't even describe it...
Me: Well, take one part Morris Day, one part Barry White, and one part Julio Iglesias. Mix it all up and put it in a shiny suit. I think that comes pretty close.
E: You are such a hater. We had so many good times with Jerry and his friends.
Me: Yeah, we did. The campy entertainment quotient was off the charts. But it was kind of, uh, uncomfortable at times.
E: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: We kind of, uh, stood out in that crowd.
E: What?
Me: Oh come on. We were the only white people there. And we're whiter than most white people. We practically glow in the dark. We were definitely not the most well-represented demographic.
E: Everyone was always so nice to us!
Me: Yes they were! But you've got to admit that we seemed out of place. Everyone thought so. You remember the waitress we had the last time we were there? Even she asked us if we were lost. And she was so... hard to watch.
E: Shut up! Bessie was good people.
Me: Yeah she was, but seeing that poor frail lady try to hoist trays of drinks to serve to drunk assholes like us? Her golden years -- and her back -- deserved better.
E: I did want to give her a glass of milk and a Boniva. Poor Bessie. But we did have fun. Remember that one time my husband passed out and went to bed and we stayed in the bar and that drunk guy started hitting on us?
Me: And you told him we were lesbian lovers? And then he said that he'd give all the money in his wallet to come back to our room and watch? And he stayed and talked to us for almost an hour while repeatedly adjusting the front of his Sans-A-Belt pants? Yeah, that was great.
E: But then he went to the bathroom and never came out. I'll bet he passed out and ended up sleeping with his face in a puddle of urine.
Me: Maybe that was why he was so fond of polyester pants. Totally wash and wear. That's probably a pretty handy quality for the man on the go who occasionally sleeps on the floor of a public restroom.
E: Oh, I'm going to miss that place. The high school prom decorations, waitresses with degenerative osteoporosis, the beautiful 80's love ballads sung by Jerry Green and Friends, the smell of Pine Sol, and the drunk men in polyester pants.
Me: You're goddamn right, lady. Good times.
Me: Hello?
E: Oh doll. I have some horrible news.
Me: Oh sweet Jesus. What is it?
E: They're closing our Days Inn! It's going to be demolished and they're going to build a Whole Foods or something. I'm just sick.
Me: Uh... hmmmm.
E: Didn't you hear me? Don't you remember all the beautiful moments we've shared there?
Me: Well yeah, I guess. It is a pretty crappy hotel though. It always had that disinfectanty stale smell. Kind of like what your high school locker room smelled like after the janitor got done cleaning it. Like, I know you're trying and all, but there's only so much Pine Sol can do. You can't polish a turd and when the raw materials are so... OH MY GOD WHAT ABOUT JERRY GREEN AND FRIENDS!?!?!?!?!
E: Uh yeah... hello!
Me: If the Days Inn goes away that means there will be no Days Inn lounge. Where will Jerry Green and Friends spread their unique brand of musical magic?
E: I don't know! There aren't many places in Louisville that can accommodate that level of beauty. I can't even describe it...
Me: Well, take one part Morris Day, one part Barry White, and one part Julio Iglesias. Mix it all up and put it in a shiny suit. I think that comes pretty close.
E: You are such a hater. We had so many good times with Jerry and his friends.
Me: Yeah, we did. The campy entertainment quotient was off the charts. But it was kind of, uh, uncomfortable at times.
E: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: We kind of, uh, stood out in that crowd.
E: What?
Me: Oh come on. We were the only white people there. And we're whiter than most white people. We practically glow in the dark. We were definitely not the most well-represented demographic.
E: Everyone was always so nice to us!
Me: Yes they were! But you've got to admit that we seemed out of place. Everyone thought so. You remember the waitress we had the last time we were there? Even she asked us if we were lost. And she was so... hard to watch.
E: Shut up! Bessie was good people.
Me: Yeah she was, but seeing that poor frail lady try to hoist trays of drinks to serve to drunk assholes like us? Her golden years -- and her back -- deserved better.
E: I did want to give her a glass of milk and a Boniva. Poor Bessie. But we did have fun. Remember that one time my husband passed out and went to bed and we stayed in the bar and that drunk guy started hitting on us?
Me: And you told him we were lesbian lovers? And then he said that he'd give all the money in his wallet to come back to our room and watch? And he stayed and talked to us for almost an hour while repeatedly adjusting the front of his Sans-A-Belt pants? Yeah, that was great.
E: But then he went to the bathroom and never came out. I'll bet he passed out and ended up sleeping with his face in a puddle of urine.
Me: Maybe that was why he was so fond of polyester pants. Totally wash and wear. That's probably a pretty handy quality for the man on the go who occasionally sleeps on the floor of a public restroom.
E: Oh, I'm going to miss that place. The high school prom decorations, waitresses with degenerative osteoporosis, the beautiful 80's love ballads sung by Jerry Green and Friends, the smell of Pine Sol, and the drunk men in polyester pants.
Me: You're goddamn right, lady. Good times.
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