I Should Totally Have My Own Cooking Show

I have discussed -- in rather agonizing detail -- my fascination with the phenomenon that is Sandra Lee. For the uninitiated, Ms Lee has a show on the Food Network called Semi-Homemade Cooking With Sandra Lee, which consists of her opening a few cans, dumping the contents into a bowl, and calling it dinner. Sometimes she stirs things. Oh, and she also has a big rack:
Anyway, I watch her show from time to time just to see what sort of culinary assault she has planned for that day. Very often I'm reduced to crippling fits of squealing laughter, but once that subsides the bitterness begins to creep in. How is it that this fool is making a fortune when some nice girl like me who actually knows how to cook is relegated to a life of having to rely on skill and/or hard work in order to make a living? Is there no justice?

I'm no longer content to be a hapless victim. If this clod can create a mini-empire doing this shit then what's stopping me? Nothing, that's what! So I'm going to put on my worst bra, tightest sweater, and submit my proposal to anyone who will listen. Here's my can't miss, surefire menu:

Bavarian Snack Twists

Ingredients:
One bag store-bought pretzels

Preparation:
Empty pretzels into a bowl.
Serve.


Creamy Shrimp Bisque with Savory Flatbread

Ingredients:
1 can creamy shrimp bisque soup
1 sleeve saltine crackers

Preparation:
Empty soup into a pan and heat on the stove. Until hot. Maybe stir it once, too.
Take crackers out of wrapper.
Serve.

Succulent Roast Chicken with Homestyle Mashed Potatoes and Haricots Verts

Ingredients:
1 rotisserie chicken from the supermarket
1 box instant potatoes
1 can green beans

Preparation:
Take chicken out of container.
Dump box of potatoes into a saucepan and add water or whatever the hell the side of the box tells you to.
Open can of green beans and empty into a pan on the stove. Turn the stove on. The beans will get hot eventually.
Serve.

Grandma's Blue Ribbon Double Chocolate Cake

Ingredients:
1 box chocolate cake mix
1 container chocolate icing

Preparation:
Put contents of the box of cake mix into a large container. Many people use cake pans, but this is negotiable. Add some eggs and some milk or maybe some water. Possibly some oil. Mix it all up and then put it in the oven. Remove when done, whenever that is.
Open container of icing and smear on the cake.
Serve.
When in doubt, dress up as Cher. Nothing emphasizes your cooking prowess quite like a big ass headdress and a plunging neckline.

So there you have it. It's only a matter of time before I am a world-renowned lifestyle expert. Do not fret though, my people. I'll remember you when. And I'll even prepare some Bavarian Snack Twists for you.