Dear Sparkles, Vol I

It is with tremendous excitement that I announce a new feature here in Sparkles Plenty land: an advice column hosted by none other than yours truly. I cannot tell you how desperately in need the majority of the population is of my incisive commentary. I've got an opinion on everything, and why not share it with the people who are desperate for my insight? So without further delay, let's get to it. It's time for the healing to begin.

A reader in West Virginia found Sparkles Plenty by way of a popular search engine. They wanted to know "haw [sic] can I suck my own dick?"

Ah, that is a question for the ages. I imagine that as long as there have been men on the earth they have been searching for ways to do this very thing. Clearly no one has been able to figure out an easy way to do it, because if they had then no man would ever leave the house. Also, the bitchy side of me would like to point out that perhaps you would be well-served by spending more time brushing up on your first-grade spelling skills instead of trying to figure out how to blow yourself. But you didn't come here for condemnation, and I will not judge you, my friend. I'm here to help. I have three suggestions for you:

1. Enroll in some yoga classes. I don't think yoga is the total solution to your dilemma but I'm pretty sure it's going to come in damn handy. You see, yoga will not only provide you with enhanced flexibility but with a sense of relaxation too. I think that relaxation will be especially good for you, because you seem a bit, uh, pent up, if you know what I mean. And I think you do.

2. If you're on a tight budget, fashion a device out of hammocks and/or circus trapezes. Some pulleys would probably work well here, too. I can't give you the particulars, but sit down with some graph paper and a protractor, do some sketching, and I imagine something will come to you. Make sure you design an indoor version though, because if you do this outside you'll get arrested for sure. I don't need that shit on my conscience.

3. If suggestion #2 is not feasible, go the manufactured route: the Craftmatic Adjustable Bed. I doubt the bed will come straight from the factory with a "Blow Myself" setting, but with a little creativity and a can-do attitude, you'll be your own girlfriend in no time!