Last weekend I attended a baby shower for a good friend of mine. It was all I could do to drag my cranky ass to the festivities, because I dislike children and I detest hen parties. But mom-to-be (who didn't want to attend the shower any more than I did) is a good friend and I needed to show my support. When I spoke to my good friend E earlier last week she raised the subject of the shower, and I asked if she knew who was going to be there. She said the vast majority of attendees were going to be friends of the paternal grandmother. I found this quite alarming because it meant I was going to have to act properly and behave myself. I told E that she might as well staple my mouth shut beforehand because there was no way I'd be able to go the entire afternoon without dropping an f-bomb or saying something about sucking balls and/or my butt.
Once we were at the shower I clung closely to E and our other friends (of whom there were two) and managed to sit prissily in my chair and smile politely while I clutched my glass of wine in pathetic desperation. At one point E said that we needed to circulate and socialize with the other attendees, but when I told her that I'd rather gauge my eyes out with a spork she took pity on me and dropped the subject.
At one point E and I went outside to smoke, because we are rude, nasty girls. There was nothing but sunshine outside, but somehow it started raining on us. E asked me if I knew what that meant.
"Uh, a rainbow?"
"No, you stupid whore. It means that the devil is beating his wife."
"What the hell? Oh, whatever."
"Speaking of hell, what songs do you think they play there? You know Satan has a playlist. The songs that suck so much that listening to them is pure torture."
"Heard It In A Love Song by Marshall Tucker Band. That shit gives me hives. Oh! And also that Blinded by the Light song where it sounds like they're singing about douches."
"Yes!. I think On My Own, that duet with Patti LaBelle and Michael McDonald has got to be on heavy rotation in hell."
"Definitely! And that song Green Eyed Lady? I think it's by a band called Sugarloaf or something. Any band that has the word loaf in its name has got to blow ass. It's probably in The Bible somewhere."
"And anything by Neil Young!"
[...]
"What? You got a hold of some bad crack, you dumb whore."
"Neil Young sucks, doesn't he?"
"Oh my god, E. I cannot be your friend anymore."
"What? He sings that song about riding through the desert on a horse with no name. That song can suck my dick."
"Ok, first of all, that song isn't by Neil Young. And second, I hope you learn to love all the songs we've talked about, because you're going to hell for thinking Neil Young sang that shit."
Once we were at the shower I clung closely to E and our other friends (of whom there were two) and managed to sit prissily in my chair and smile politely while I clutched my glass of wine in pathetic desperation. At one point E said that we needed to circulate and socialize with the other attendees, but when I told her that I'd rather gauge my eyes out with a spork she took pity on me and dropped the subject.
At one point E and I went outside to smoke, because we are rude, nasty girls. There was nothing but sunshine outside, but somehow it started raining on us. E asked me if I knew what that meant.
"Uh, a rainbow?"
"No, you stupid whore. It means that the devil is beating his wife."
"What the hell? Oh, whatever."
"Speaking of hell, what songs do you think they play there? You know Satan has a playlist. The songs that suck so much that listening to them is pure torture."
"Heard It In A Love Song by Marshall Tucker Band. That shit gives me hives. Oh! And also that Blinded by the Light song where it sounds like they're singing about douches."
"Yes!. I think On My Own, that duet with Patti LaBelle and Michael McDonald has got to be on heavy rotation in hell."
"Definitely! And that song Green Eyed Lady? I think it's by a band called Sugarloaf or something. Any band that has the word loaf in its name has got to blow ass. It's probably in The Bible somewhere."
"And anything by Neil Young!"
[...]
"What? You got a hold of some bad crack, you dumb whore."
"Neil Young sucks, doesn't he?"
"Oh my god, E. I cannot be your friend anymore."
"What? He sings that song about riding through the desert on a horse with no name. That song can suck my dick."
"Ok, first of all, that song isn't by Neil Young. And second, I hope you learn to love all the songs we've talked about, because you're going to hell for thinking Neil Young sang that shit."
6 Comments:
Amen, girl. Neil Young is like only the BEST musician of my generation.
Two girls chugging wine and throwing punches on the back porch. Sounds like a good party.
I would like to add anything by "Air Supply" be added to hell's sound track. And I am down with wondering WTF for your friend suggesting Neil Young...
Just sayin'
Kathy,
Preach on, lady. I think Harvest Moon is one of the most beautiful songs I've ever heard. I don't know a whole lot of his music, but I love what I know.
Jay,
We are two classy broads. And don't ever forget it, bitch. :)
klinde,
Air Supply. Ha! Not long after my husband (who is Australian) and I met we were discussing Australian musicians I was familiar with. Air Supply was one of a very short list I could provide. He asked me if I'd ever heard of AC/DC, which was kind of like asking me if I'd ever seen the sun shine. I told him that I thought they were British, but oh, wasn't it neat that they're Australian too! He noted that I knew Air Supply was Australian, but had no clue that AC/DC was. His face turned bright red and I think he almost popped a vein in his face. I'm pretty sure that his hell is riddled with Air Supply songs, just like yours.
Ha! My hell has German songs as my husband is a German national... Nothing like Nina singing about the damned "99 red balloons" or some horrific techno-pop.
I feel your pain...
:)
The soundtrack in hell would have many many Eagles tunes.
I hate the Eagles.
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