I Almost Had a Stroke Today

I am a ridiculous freak for any number of reasons, but one of my more idiotic characteristics is my pathological aversion to certain words. There are many that occupy prominent places on my list of words that I cannot hear without cringing; succulent, nestle, and juicy come to mind. But at the top of the forbidden words list is "fixins," which isn't really a word at all and is just stupid. Unfortunately for me that "word" is essentially unavoidable this time of year. "Turkey with all the fixins," or "I'm bringing the salad, they're bringing the fixins." Oh my god I feel queasy just typing it.

Anyway, another thing that will make me nauseous and generally pissed off is the use of superfluous apostrophes. I freely admit that I'm not perfect when it comes to punctuation. I have a tendency to throw in commas where they don't belong and I often use hyphens or semicolons when I feel something is necessary but I can't figure out what the hell it is. I have been known to split the occasional infinitive, and don't even get me started on dangling participles. Don't get me started because I don't know what the fuck one is. I majored in biochemistry. I spent my time mixing shit up (oooh, split infinitive!) in beakers and cutting up dead animals while other people were conjugating verbs and discussing the finer points of gerund usage. But I did manage to pay enough attention to know what a fucking apostrophe is used for. Not long ago I saw a sign that said "Shoe's for sale" and it was all I could do not to find the person responsible and kick them in the shins.

Today I was sitting in the waiting room at the dentist's office thumbing through a magazine when I saw an article titled "The Best Turkey and Fixin's!" Oh my sweet lord. I sat there muttering to myself, feeling dizzy and doing my best to stave off an apoplectic fit and ensuing stroke.

You non-word-using, apostrophe-loving bastards are going to kill me.