So next Saturday is the second leg of horseracing's Triple Crown, and I just want everyone to know that I've heard your cries. You want to know which horse is going to win the race, and it only stands to reason that you'd ask me. Everyone knows about my spectacular and legendary pick of 1994's Kentucky Derby winner, Go For Gin. Some particularly bitter people might allege that the only reason I selected that horse was that I was in the midst of a temporary love affair with Tom Collins cocktails, but those people are only haters and all smart people know not to listen to them.
No, you seekers of knowledge know that the horse I predicted to win this year's Kentucky Derby finished a dazzling 17th of 20, and you'd like to know how you can get in on that kind of prognosticating action. And Good Lord, who can blame you? I have a rare gift, people.
Rest assured that I know full well who will win The Preakness Stakes. I think we've already establshed that I am The Thoroughbred Racing Handicapper Supreme, but it's taken me years of careful examination to reach this level of expertise. I'd be remiss if I just handed all this skill to you on a silver platter. Curse me if you will, but there's only so much I can do and retain a clear conscience. Clearly I possess a dangerous amount of knowledge about the ponies, but I can't do everything for you people. With a track record like mine, you can imagine how the masses are clamoring for my insight. It's not that I don't want to help you clowns out, but I owe it to the Vegas economy to keep a few choice facts under my hat. I cannot be responsible for the destruction of the American gaming industry!
Y'all are just going to have to do some things on your own. I'm all magnanimous and shit, but I've got to draw the line somewhere.
No, you seekers of knowledge know that the horse I predicted to win this year's Kentucky Derby finished a dazzling 17th of 20, and you'd like to know how you can get in on that kind of prognosticating action. And Good Lord, who can blame you? I have a rare gift, people.
Rest assured that I know full well who will win The Preakness Stakes. I think we've already establshed that I am The Thoroughbred Racing Handicapper Supreme, but it's taken me years of careful examination to reach this level of expertise. I'd be remiss if I just handed all this skill to you on a silver platter. Curse me if you will, but there's only so much I can do and retain a clear conscience. Clearly I possess a dangerous amount of knowledge about the ponies, but I can't do everything for you people. With a track record like mine, you can imagine how the masses are clamoring for my insight. It's not that I don't want to help you clowns out, but I owe it to the Vegas economy to keep a few choice facts under my hat. I cannot be responsible for the destruction of the American gaming industry!
Y'all are just going to have to do some things on your own. I'm all magnanimous and shit, but I've got to draw the line somewhere.
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