At My Job, We're All About Anal Bacteria

A conversation that took place earlier today at my office:

The Man: [poking his head inside my office] Hey, I've got a weird question: Is there any capitalization in "E coli?"

Me: Yeah, the "E" is capitalized, the "coli" is not.

The Man: For real? I don't even want to know how you know that.

Me: E. coli was my mystery bacteria in Microbiology! And it's Escherichia coli if you're nasty.

The Man: Uh... should I ask?

Me: Probably not. I'm a biology geek and I really doubt you want to hear about it.

The Man: I have no doubt you're right. But what in the hell is a mystery bacteria? Does it come wrapped in a little package with a question mark on it?

Me: Yes it does! It's kind of like a jack-in-the-box. You open the lid and hope to Christ that your mystery substance isn't anthrax. [rolling eyes] God.

The Man: Well shit... I don't know. What the hell is a mystery bacteria?

Me: You're given a test tube. You run tests until you figure out what you've been given.

The Man: Did you freak out when you found out you had E coli?

Me: Hell no! I got lucky! There were some people who had Mycobacterium smegmatis.

The Man: Huh?

Me: Smegmatis. SMEGMA-tis. Think about it.

The Man: Uh, um... OH MY GOD.

Me: Yeah, tell me about it. I was happy to have the lower-intestinal bacteria once I considered the alternative.

The Man: I think I'm going to be sick.

Me: Yeah. You know you've been hosed when people who get the bacteria known as "gut flora" are happy about it. Biology... she is a cruel mistress, my friend.

The Man: I think I've got to go to the bathroom.

Me: Ok! Hey! Glad I could help!